Single Digits

You're free to listen to that song on repeat as you read this because it is so perfect! Cheery, happy, and wonderful. 

I got my mission call in December! The very beginning of December to be exact and I have had to wait so very long... but guess what? SINGLE DIGITS! That's right. 

It has been a long, cold and lonely winter but today it is warm and sunny. I wore a t-shirt and rolled the windows down (not all the way, but I'll take it). My windows are open in my room and although there is some snow still on the ground, there is enough grass that proportionally I am just pleased as a peach! 

Finally I can say next week. That brings a few emotions. The excitement of finally being a missionary and also the panic. But for the time being, I'm more excited than panicked. Yes, I am 100% excited about being a missionary for all of the missionary reasons, but here are some other reasons I am excited: 

1) I am hoping to be so excited about being a missionary that I no longer feel sad about Boyce Avenue coming to Utah in April... and the fact that I have to miss it. 

2) My roommate of 1.5 years is in the MTC and I miss her a lot... so seeing her will be happy. 

There were a lot to choose from, but this is the only picture I have of us that made me laugh so hard I cried.

3) Gas prices won't make me cry anymore. 

4) While I like Facebook for fun and practical things, I'm happy that I won't have to deal with it for a long time. Too many pointless and uneducated arguments and insults over opinions. It keeps me up at night. 

5) I get to be the one that is "too busy to write back" ... for 8 months. I love to write letters, but karma is real. #suckstosuck 

6) For almost four months I have had almost nothing to do except watch Scrubs, 30 Rock, Scrubs again, White Collar, Glee, New Girl and the Office. Oh, and Spongebob. I'm happy to say that here soon I'll always have something to do. 

7) Pants are stupid. I can't wait to wear skirts all day. Skirts are as close as you can get to no pants o'clock without offending people. 

8) That being said, I'll actually have a reason to get dressed every day... honestly, today is the first day that isn't a Sunday that I have actually put on make up. I haven't gotten back into actually trying to make my hair look okay. I'll start that tomorrow. 

9) I'm looking forward to comparing how it is to be a missionary to being in college. Aside from always having to be with your "roommate" and no Youtube (among other things) and wearing a name tag and maybe more rules (I lived in Heritage with a very keen RA, so I know what rules are)... it can't be that different. Unhealthy food and laundry days. Classes. Staring at the Y when I'm outside. Plus I worked at the MTC. It'll be just like the good old days! Just less greasy. 

10) I actually have a legitimate reason to ignore boys that I don't want to talk to! As a normal college girl, I guess I'm fair game. But stick that name tag on and when someone shows interest I'm not rude, I'm just obedient.

Needless to say, being a missionary is going to be awesome. Hard? Yes. But totally worth it. Being a convert, I am so excited to be on the other side. Teaching the doctrine that was being taught to me just 3.5 years ago! Cool. 

Since I said why I'm excited about being a missionary, here are some things I'll miss: 

Chipotle. English. Google. My cat waking me up every morning by sitting on my chest (maybe my companion will do that for me). Ridiculous nail polish colors. My car (aka freedom). Working. Ke$ha. Food recipes on Pinterest. Creeping on everybody's mission calls. Wearing my Spongebob hat. Eating brownies from the pan every night with my roommate (those summer... niiiiiights). Blah blah blah a million other things and photo booth so we can dress up like boys and make videos.

Click here if you're interested.

But the blessings of missionary work far outweigh the things I'll miss... and thankfully I get to come home to them all in just 18 months! I have my whole life to re-fall in love with Chipotle every week, but only a short amount of time to serve as a missionary. I'm so ready. Five days!

The Church is true and the book is blue! (L'Eglise est vrai et le livre est bleu!) 

Of course in English it rhymes so I'll stick with that one :) Bonne chance! 

Farewell

I had the privilege of speaking in my ward today, and on one of my favorite topics too! Enjoy :)

I was assigned to speak on one of my favorite topics: the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. This is my favorite topic because it touches every single aspect of the Gospel. I just love pondering and studying this topic because it really reaches far beyond my understanding. It is hard to comprehend what our world would be like if the Atonement did not take place simply because, it wouldn’t exist. The Atonement was a KEY part of Heavenly Father’s plan from the very beginning and without it; there would be no plan.

I wish I could just read an entire chapter in “Jesus the Christ” because it says so perfectly what I want to speak of today about how necessary the Atonement really is. Our Heavenly Father wanted us, His spirit children, to progress and return to Him but he knew the only way that could happen is if we were subjected to good and evil and exercised our ability to choose for ourselves. He knew that some would not progress and choose evil and that His commandments would be broken. This line says perfectly what had to happen, “It was necessary that a means of redemption be provided, whereby erring man might make amends… the power of death was to be overcome, so that, though men would of necessity die, they would live anew, their spirits clothed with immortalized bodies over which death could not again prevail."

An essential piece of the plan is that the sacrifice had to be made by one who was completely without sin. Heavenly Father knew that because we would be born of mortals, we would inevitably succumb to sin. However, while Christ was born of a mortal, He had an immortal father that chose Him to complete the Atonement. Christ lived a sinless life and because of that, He was worthy to make the sacrifice on behalf of all mankind.

The first important part of the Atonement is when Christ suffered in Gethsemane. He had the burdens of all mankind on His shoulders. He felt every drop of pain and sorrow that we would ever feel, and that alone would be too much for any mortal. Once this sacred part was complete, He was taken and walked through the streets carrying the cross on which He would be crucified.

The Atonement was a voluntary sacrifice, but this assignment was accepted with love. Our perfect Savior knew what was expected of Him and that if He completed it, mankind, although rebellious and sinful, could accept it as a means of deliverance. How beautiful! But what I find most beautiful in the doctrine of the Atonement is that our Savior, on the cross and suffering beyond comprehension, chose to stay and complete the Atonement even though at any moment He could have given up. He was born of an immortal Father and could have escaped death easily, but He did not because He knew if he did not complete the Atonement one hundred percent of the way, we would be lost. So when He says, “It is finished,” the Atonement for all mankind is truly finished. That is a true sacrifice of love and because of it we can break the chains of death that bind us as mortals.

Then, because Christ suffered and died, He could be resurrected. While we are promised abundantly in the scriptures that we will be resurrected someday with perfect bodies, Christ still bears the marks of the cross that we may know with a surety that it is Him who atoned for us. By walking the path of death and resurrection, the Savior provided the same way for us and it is the only way we could return to live with our Heavenly Father. The Resurrection is just as important to our eternal progression as the Atonement, “for behold, if the flesh should rise no more, our spirits must become subject to that angel who fell from before the presence of the eternal God, and became the devil, to rise no more" (2 Nephi 9).

That states clearly that, without Christ’s death and resurrection, when we would finally die, we would not rise anymore. Mankind would simply be trapped in a fallen state and our eternal progression would be lost. Without the help of a divine Savior, no soul could ever find the way back to Heavenly Father. The simple fact that Christ died and then returned to us provides that we will all be resurrected regardless of how we spend our lives. Although we cannot live perfect lives, Christ did, and His Atonement covers our imperfections so we can still be worthy to receive the promised blessings of eternal life.

The Atonement is a tremendous blessing and our Heavenly Father evidently loves us so much that he would sacrifice His Son in the most heartbreaking way so that all of His children might have a path to return to Him. The best part about this is that every human being that has ever lived or will live has access to the blessings of the Atonement. Our God is a just God and would never deny His children all the blessings of His kingdom, but we must choose righteously in order to receive the highest blessings that He has promised to us.

Because of the Atonement, we are promised beautiful blessings such as eternal families. Because we can be resurrected, we can be with our families forever and ever in the presence of Christ and our Heavenly parents. If Christ had not died on the cross and then been resurrected, we would not have that promise. We would not be able to access the blessings of eternity.

That being said, there are millions of people that go about their lives every day not knowing anything about Christ and their eternal potential. In the pre-MTC training videos there was a man from China who said he was literally taught that after this life there is nothing. What would be the point of living here, building relationships and lifestyles if when we eventually die… there is nothing. Are we here by random chance just to live a short time and then disappear never to rise again? Thankfully the answer is NO. We know that, but people all over the world do not. They do not know of life after death, about resurrection or the beautiful place waiting for us when our time comes to leave this earth.

We don’t realize how blessed we are to have this knowledge. We live every day taking for granted what we have, let alone sharing it with others! If we know this to be true, what do we have to fear? We have good news and promised blessings for all the children of God, and that is worth sharing. 

I’m excited to be able to teach this sweet doctrine to all those I meet as a missionary and also throughout my life. The Church is so true. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ live and love us so much. The Atonement is real and because of it we can return to our Heavenly parents to live with them and our families for all eternity. 

What do you mean... "missionary"?

I cannot describe to you how I was feeling watching this live in October. I was so happy that my male friends awaiting missionary service could be recommended at 18 rather than 19. My FHE family and I talked excitedly until we heard it. 

"We've also given consideration to the age at which young women might serve." 

My heart stopped and I put my hand over my mouth. I had no idea what he was going to say next. 

"Today, I am pleased to announce that able, worthy young women that have the desire to serve may be recommended for missionary service beginning at age 19 instead of age 21." 

There are no words that can accurately describe how it felt to go from at least a year before we were eligible... to right now. Many of my friends desired to serve missions but had the same thoughts. We all wanted to serve, but none of us knew where we would be when we finally could! This changed everything in less than five minutes. 

So you decided to serve a mission! What next? 

Everyone goes through the same basic system. Once your bishop determines that you have things in order financially and spiritually, they put you into the missionary recommendation system where you fill out endless information about yourself (languages you studied, what your parents do, where your ancestors are from) and find forms to do a missionary physical and dental exam. A doctor and dentist must do the exams and determine if they honestly believe you are capable of serving without problems. Once everything is completed, you submit everything to your bishop and meet with him again. You then meet with a stake president who will determine, overall, if you are worthy to be recommended as a missionary. If you are (yay!), he writes a recommendation for you and sends your papers to Salt Lake City, where they decide where you are to serve. 

That is another process in itself, but if you're interested read more here!

Then... you wait. It's a huge relief to have your papers completed, but the time between submitting them to Salt Lake and actually receiving your call... it's hard to describe. My roommates and I had dreams about getting calls to real and fictional places or dreams that our calls were lost. It's hard and can cause serious anxiety, but the moment you find that beautiful envelope in your mailbox... it's worth it. 

The two videos I have posted here make me cry, legitimately cry, any time of any day no matter how many times I watch them. 

Here is where I get the most questions and, as the time comes closer, I've been thinking a lot about them. 

France, huh? Neat!

I know! I opened my call in my bedroom and I thought I might pass out. Nobody was there but I tried to read it slowly in my head. They all start the same. "Dear Sister Loder, you are hereby called to serve as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." That is the entire first line and I knew my mission was on the next line. I just had to slide the paper... down... and... FRANCE! I couldn't believe it. 

Some people have a feeling about where they might go or what language they might study, but in the 10 days between submitting my papers and finally touching that sweet envelope... I had no idea. 

What do you do after you find out where you are going? 

First, every single person must write an acceptance letter. It is easy and simple and you can write whatever you want! Your bishop signs it and you send it to Salt Lake. 

After that, it really depends on your mission! For me, I got another big envelope a week later with paperwork (all in French, I might add), that I had to fill out for a visa. I also had to apply for a passport since I did not have one before. All of this is a long process. Once I finally got my passport, I completed the visa paperwork and submitted tons of stuff back to Salt Lake where they work on getting you the visa you need for your mission. 

You also get a book that tells you ALL the things you need to have in your mission. Clothes, supplies, mission specific things (like voltage converters or special licenses) and medical information. Some missions require special immunizations, but most are standard. Mission shopping is expensive and often difficult because there are specific clothing guidelines we have to follow. Sisters and elders must be modest in their appearance, and in today's world, that can be really hard to come by. 

What are you doing in France? Any sightseeing? 

France is a beautiful country with much to see and yes, I'm sure I will see a lot of breathtaking things... but that isn't why I'm going. The missionary purpose is simple and can be found in Moses 1:39. For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. 

Many missionares are called to labor in incredible places all over the world, but a quote I love that sums it up perfectly says, "The call is to the people, not the place." We are all God's children and missionaries teach the same Gospel to everyone. Those serving a mission in Montana are teaching the same Gospel truths that I will be teaching in France, and those are the same that my roommates will be teaching in Cape Verde, Belgium, Portugal, Chile, etc. 

We'll all be working hard all day every day to find anyone and everyone that is willing and teach them about Christ and help them to receive all the saving ordinances that will bring them back to their Father in Heaven and life eternal. 

So... are there a lot of rules? 

Yep. There is a white handbook that all missionaries have that state plainly what we can and cannot do and I'll be honest... they're strict! But they are there for a reason. We are not set apart as missionaries and sent all over the world to do exactly what we do at home. We have goals and responsibilities and everything else is set aside. These rules are in place to help us focus on our purpose (bringing to pass immortality and eternal life... you know), and nothing else. Not skiing. Not watching TV. Not texting. Not dating. Only missionary work, and we are so blessed for following these rules and being obedient. They make the work more meaningful and it progresses faster! 

MTC? What?

The Missionary Training Center. Missionaries to go these training centers all over the world (there are about 15, give or take as they open new ones), and they are dedicated to teaching brand new missionaries how to preach the Gospel and how to speak the language they are called to speak. The time spent there depends on your language! If someone from Utah is called to Illinois speaking English, they stay for a very short time (10 days), but someone learning Russian will probably be there 3 months. It all depends on what you speak and what you are called to speak. For French, I'll be there for 6 weeks starting on April 3. I'll eat, sleep and breathe the Gospel (and French) before I fly to France.

I've been asked lots of questions and I'm not going to type them up because, let's be honest, who is still reading? :) I like answering questions, so I'm willing to take any that anyone has!

I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to serve a mission. Total understatement, but what am I supposed to say? Excited. Nervous. Happy? I just can't wait to and serve the Lord as His missionary. 

The Church is true and the book is blue. Bonne chance! 

Thoughts on Eternity

Whoa. 

You're probably thinking that's a big statement! Well, it is. There are a million and a half talks on this very subject just because it branches out to so many aspects of the Gospel. It's meant to be that way, though. Every single thing we do points to eternity. It's pretty important. 

As of right now I have 61 days until I go to the MTC. I'm just bouncing off the walls excited about this... only mild sarcasm. I worked there for almost a year and a half in the cafeteria, but I actually AM really excited to go back as a missionary. For now, I'm sitting in Ohio. It's my fourth day here. We got back from Utah and there was about 3 inches of snow on the ground, the next day it was 50 degrees, then it rained and the snow was gone. It rained all night, but now it's snowing and freezing. This is typical. 

Oh, anyway. I'm reading this book by Boyd K. Packer called You may claim the blessings of The Holy Temple. It's a really old looking book, but I'm only a few chapters in and I'm astounded. This book has already moved me to tears and softened my heart to the cause of missionary work to the point that I cried over a family that was fighting on Food Network last night. 

I'm not making that up. 

The book mentions this story. I'd heard it before BUT it is my favorite. Here you go: 

"Around the turn of the century two missionaries were laboring in the mountain region of the southern part of the United States. One day, as they were walking along a ridge in the hill country, they saw people gathering in a clearing near a cabin some distance down the hillside. Because in the hill country the people were scattered, the missionaries did not often have a congregation to whom they might preach. They were attracted by this gathering and made their way down to the clearing. 

They discovered that there was to be a funeral. A little boy had been drowned. His parents had sent for the minister to 'say words' at the burial of the little fellow. The minister, who rode the circuit, only occasionally would visit these isolated families. But when there was to be a wedding, or when there was trouble, they would send for him. 

The elders stayed in the background to watch the proceedings. The little fellow was to be buried in the grave already opened near the cabin. The minister stood before the grieving father and mother and the others gathered and began his funeral sermon. If the parents expected to receive consolation from this man of the cloth, they would be disappointed. 

He scolded them severely for not having had the little boy baptized. They had put it off because of one thing or another, and now it was too late. He told them very bluntly that their little boy had gone to hell. He told them that it was their fault, that they were to blame - they had caused their son endless torment. 

After the sermon was over and the grave was covered, the friends, neighbors, and relatives left the scene. The elders approached the grieving parents: "We are servants of the Lord," they told the sobbing mother, "and we have come with a message for you." 

Wow. They shared a message of eternity with those parents. How their son was not doomed to endless torment. They bore testimony of redemption for those who had died. How comforting that must have been- to know their son was okay.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is GOOD NEWS. We can repent and live with our Heavenly Father again! With our families! And Christ! It's the perfect message of hope and happiness. How can people not accept that? Well, Satan is always at work. Always. Members and non-members alike. 

As a pre-missionary, I get to simply look forward to finding people and teaching them about the good news of the Gospel. But as I study and read and learn, my heart softens more and more. I see everyone struggling in one way or another and it breaks my heart completely. Life wasn't meant to be easy AT ALL, but it is still hard to watch others struggle. 

Learning about the temple and promised blessings of eternal joy makes me want to run down the strait and narrow with cleats and blinders (not typical sister missionary attire, I know). Even though it should be easy to see temptation that will lead us away from making our sacred covenants in the temple and be all, no way, sista and turn the other way, Satan knows how to get us. He can convince us to sin all while making us believe it is perfectly okay. Then, when we finally realize that we feel guilty for sinning he makes us embarrassed so we do not seek help. He runs us into a dead end that can ultimately be the end of our happiness. 

Here's the great news. Our Heavenly Father loves us NO MATTER WHAT. And we can always go back to Him. We're supposed to feel shame, but we can fix our sins and know that our God remembers them no more (Isaiah 1:18). That's how much He loves every single one of us. 

It's the perfect message and if you are struggling with this truth or anything... loneliness, depression, any sort of sin... think about how the Atonement was performed that you might feel of Christ's love for you. He died so you, yes YOU, can be perfected and have eternal life in the mansions above that have been prepared. It is nobody's job to judge you, only to love you. 

So eternity is a message of love from every aspect. Heavenly Father loves us an incomprehensible amount and wants eternity for us. Don't intentionally walk away from Him with mistakes that can be fixed, choices made long ago, or anything you can think of that might pull you away from the Gospel. 

Christ never said it would be easy, but He said it would be worth it. Seek after your blessings and the peace that comes with Christ's love. I can't wait to serve and teach this sweet message. The Church is true and the book is blue! Bonne chance! 

Christ is knocking, will you let Him in? 

Coincidences

Today in a meeting with my bishop, I was telling him literally everything that was going on in my life. After a certain piece of news he said, "I'm telling you, there are no coincidences." 

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES. 

Then he said, "Life really doesn't move that fast. It moves slow enough that sometimes when we look back we can't see how far we have come. Keep that in mind if you ever feel like your best efforts aren't getting you anywhere." 

Of course, this sent me into a reflection period. I looked through old pictures, read the letters my FHE boys wrote me at the end of winter semester, watched our FHE video, and cried a little (a lot, okay?). 

I'm almost 20. What in the world have I done? 

The first thing that came to mind was winning the third grade spelling bee and beating the boy that would be our valedictorian my senior year and go on to MIT. I'd say I had a good start there. 

But really, WHAT HAVE I DONE. 

Just a few years later, I would meet a horse that would teach me that it IS possible to love something more than yourself. Her name is Winnie. 

She was a spunky, 21 year old mare that changed my life. I learned how to ride, how to love, and how to really and truly develop a passion for something greater than yourself. We showed and dominated the local show circuit. She was old and I was in elementary school. Take that rich girls. 

Winnie passed away this summer. I'm confident she lived an amazing life. RIP, love. 



After about four years of leasing Winnie, her age started to show. She had some health issues (that never made her less interesting and quirky), but it made it nearly impossible to ride regularly let alone show. That's when my parents were convinced that I took riding seriously enough to get me my own horse. We searched and I fell in love with a horse named Dreamer. A lot of the things I'm proud of in my life resulted because of her and I'm going to try to tell you about it. 

When I first bought Dreamer, she was 5 and wouldn't put her head any lower than this. This picture was probably within the first few weeks that I had her, and you might not be able to tell, but I was scared of her. My "quirky old mare" that I leased was NOTHING compared to a five year old off the track thoroughbred mare. Actually, the first time she threw me off I was pretty sure I'd never get on again. Good thing I did because if I hadn't, I would never know what kind of happiness loving a horse like Dreamer could bring me. 

Dreamer was a rough horse. She would jump, but only if she could gallop at it first. She was fast... really freaking fast. But eventually I started becoming the rider I wanted to be. My trainer helped. She had a really fearless type of style, the kind of style where it wasn't uncommon to hear "jump that or... (insert something 10 times more terrifying)." She would tell us that jump was 2'6 when it was really 3 feet. However, she definitely didn't lie to me when I cleared a 4'3 fence with Dreamer for the first time. If I could tell you how it feels to approach a 4 FOOT FENCE on the back of a horse, I would. Harder yet to explain, clearing it. Landing from that beast of a fence and having people cheer-- you don't forget that feeling. 

Most days, riding Dreamer was like this. I would say, "She gets excited when it's cold/warm/kind of windy/a little cloudy/snowy-ish" but that is dumb. She's a thoroughbred and she freaking loves jumping and being crazy. That's all there is to it, and even if it was frustrating and sometimes scary, I mostly remember laughing because the last word I would use to describe our relationship is "boring." 

However, we had a lot of problems with Dreamer. The vet told us before we bought her, "She could be a really great horse if you're willing to give her the chance." Good thing we did, but the months and months without riding were hard as I soaked her foot twice a day in Epsom salt to try and relieve the many abscess problems she had. I supported her weight as the vet drilled into my sedated horse's foot to finally relieve that abscess that was causing her so much pain. Even heavily sedated, she pulled on the lead rope with all her strength and it broke my heart, but knowing how much better she would be was enough for me. We've been abscess free for almost 5 years.

We went to shows and maybe never did particularly well, but honestly... I went so I could run the cross country course. My spastic, high-headed thoroughbred became a different horse when we stood in the start box. She would walk calmly and stand still as a statue as someone counted down from 10. In the instant they said, "... 1, have a good ride!" my horse would respond to a slight movement on her side. She would jump anything I pointed her at, jump into water, gallop like the pro-galloper I know she is, and maybe sometimes get us speeding tickets, but really. It was a good thing. 

I watched my horse go from nearly uncontrollable to a grown up horse that lead all the others during schooling, but we'll get to that a little later. 

High school was okay. I won't pretend I loved it... but I never look back with regrets. It was a good experience. I joined lots of clubs and everything, but something I'm most proud of in high school is... believe it or not... marching band. 

Yeah, that's me. Third from the left. I don't mean to brag, but... our band was really, really good. We won everything, but it was HARD. 13 hour days for 5 days in the dead of summer. Memorizing things like 5.5 L30 - 2 BFH for who knows how many different sets, but when it came to performing... it was so worth it. 

Plus the helmets were cool and I loved blinding people with the mirrors, and doing the handshake. And basically everything. 

After my sophomore year, I made the decision to leave the marching band for my horse. Bad decision? Maybe, but... the more I think about it, the less I regret it. Especially right now, in this moment, I'll never regret deciding to spend more time with my horse. 

Here's the big one, the summer before my junior year, one of my best friends in marching band invited me to do something with him on Sunday. It was church. Long story, short. I went, I loved it, I got baptized. 

I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on December 26, 2009. I had amazing missionaries, an amazing church family, and amazing friends that supported me 100% of the way. 

I've since learned how to understand the syntax in the Book of Mormon, but I'm inadequate when it comes to primary songs. Actually, I was directing my freshman ward choir in a surprise performance of Book of Mormon stories and they had to teach ME the lyrics and hand motions. It was a cute moment, I'm sure. 

Then I graduated! Oh my goodness. I was in NHS and did awesome, I'm sure. But after four years at Beavercreek High School, I was pretty ready to leave. Oh, and that Asian on the left is our valedictorian that I beat in the spelling bee. I know you're thinking that it makes sense, because it does. :) I'm pretty sure he's doing amazingly at MIT. 

At this point I knew I was accepted into BYU and that I had four short months left to be in Ohio. I took my horse to a show in Indiana and it was probably the best weekend of my life. The summer disappeared so quickly... and before I knew it, I was driving away from Dreamer for the last time with a flight to Utah only six hours later. But I packed, said goodbye, and got on that airplane to Utah. My freshman year at BYU, more than ever, proved to me that there is no such thing as coincidences. 

That group of people changed my life more than I could have imagined. How did I manage to pick the apartment that would put me with 11 of the people that I would end up loving for eternity? These people are my best friends. I've never felt closer with anyone. When you're in college, you need a group like this. NEED. 

All these boys are on missions now and I couldn't be more proud of them, but I miss them terribly. I'm keeping the postal system running because I use a book of stamps every couple of weeks now. I thrive from letters coming from Australia, Ghana, Taiwan... these boys. They're keepers. I don't care what anyone else says, we were the best "FHE group" in our ward. Not even, FHE group doesn't work anymore because these people are literally my family. Family is someone you want to see every day, tell everything to, and give everything to-- and that's what these people are to me. 

This is my choir. Choir director was my first calling and boy did I own that calling. My pianist was my best friend and our choir seriously rocked. I had the opportunity to combine my choir with three other choirs and direct them all at my stake's conference in the fall. AMAZING (and horribly stressful) experience that I would trade for nothing. My Bishop told me they've never had a better director and I loved spending hours preparing music for rehearsals and having rehearsal and picking on people. The moment I was released from my calling, I felt sick. I realized that I've had the most incredible freshman experience and it was over. But I'll never forget these beautiful and talented people. 

This summer was hard because everyone left. I was drifting and feeling lonely and terrified. My boys were all leaving and work was hard. I hated being at work because it felt pointless to me, and after spending a week with my horse in April, I missed her more than almost anything I've ever missed. That's when I decided-- I'm shipping my horse to Utah if it's the last thing I do. 

I picked up 8 more shifts and worked harder than I've ever worked in my entire life for something. Double shifts, every day of every week. But the moment I made the $600 deposit, I realized that I could do this. The last couple of weeks were the hardest as I worked for the second half of the payment. Then my mom called and told me my horse was safely on a truck and headed to Utah. Longest. Week. Of. My. Life. 

But at this moment, at 4:45 in the morning, everything was worth it. I compare this feeling to watching your child get married or your youngest waving goodbye as they get on an airplane to leave for college. Something like that. MY HORSE AND I ARE REUNITED AT LAST. I had an identity again. I paid freaking $1500 and every single penny was worth it. 

I see her almost every day. I clean her stall, clean her tack, do her laundry, love her, and spoil her to death. 

But for those of you who are still here reading, this might be a surprise. Because everything is changing, and I don't have a choice. It's just happening. 

Times are hard. Really hard. With paying for school, rent, food, a HORSE, and everything in between, money gets tight. It happens... and with so much heartbreak, sorrow, and wide-eyed depression, I have made the decision to sell my horse. 

She has become my dream horse. She has taught me more about love, endurance, patience, and kindness than any person could ever begin to teach me. I've hit my head a lot because of her, but that's acceptable. 

She was my best friend throughout high school when I felt like I had nobody. I've had my biggest adrenaline rushes on her back as we run a course. I've cried over frustration as I could not get her to respond how she should. 

I'm a better person because of this horse and looking at the ad I posted for her this last Monday, it feels unreal that this era in my life is ending. Who am I without a horse? I've spent 11 years becoming the person who walks through stores in tall boots covered in dust without a care in the world. 

But I know this needs to happen. Just because it is the right thing to do doesn't make it easy... and doesn't make me any less proud of how Dreamer and I have grown together. She's become the horse that used to spook at nothing to the horse that stands still and unnerved while the other horses are in panic mode. She's become the horse that trusts me with anything because after 7 years, she knows I would never do anything to hurt her. She's become the horse that every girl dreams of. I just hope at this point I can find someone to love her as much as I did, because she deserves nothing less. 

And now, I've made the decision to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My, how fast life changes. 

But looking back at this, I realize how much my life has changed for the better. How the perfect people have walked into my life at just the right moment. Our Heavenly Father really is aware of us in every way. There are no coincidences and I'm really proud of what I have done. I have no idea where life is taking me or who I will become (probably a teary-eyed ex-horse owner), but I have faith. And I can't wait. 

So if you feel like nothing you do is working out for you, or you're sad, or lonely, just remember that you've probably done more than you think. Reflect and be happy because life isn't meant to be endured. 

BYU Round 2

It's official: I'm no longer a freshman. I didn't have to go find my classes before the first day and I could even go on auto-pilot walking across campus with complete faith that I'd end up in the right building on time. Let me tell you, it's a good feeling.

But with that feeling comes those "real life" feelings. My horse is here now and I'm the sole person responsible for her. No more of asking my parents or best friend a favor to pick up some wormer or call the vet if I can't. I work a lot and for a little while I've been holding up payments on my own. Of course I'm going from 40 down to 12 hours a week since summer is over, but still. My car has been a little messed up lately and instead of having my dad walk down to the garage to look at it, I actually have to take it in and PAY to find out what's wrong. What's up with that?

Honestly, though... things have never been better. I'm living with my best friend with a seemingly never ending supply of popsicles and Orange Crush, I see my horse every day and she's making HUGE improvements, I've got a nice boy in my life, and I am absolutely in love with my classes. All of them.

This semester, more than the last two I've had, has put a huge spiritual emphasis on everything. It's making me ever grateful for my BYU education and it's also blowing my mind. For example: In psychology, we talked about altruism... and our teacher said, "Wouldn't you worship Christ differently if he didn't have altruistic purposes?" Yeah. I think we would. And in the very next class, linguistics, we talked about how we probably speak a fallen language and someday we will speak a perfect language again. In the Book of Mormon, when Christ was praying, it was recorded that the people could not record what He was saying. Cool to think that someday we can comprehend that (and all things), right?

This first week of classes has made me SO thankful for this opportunity to study at BYU. There aren't many schools that will start class with an opening prayer and tie in Gospel principles to our everyday learning. In our evaluations at the end of the semester, there is always a question that asks how our professors tied in Gospel principles and if the class has somehow strengthened our testimony. Obviously in Book of Mormon, yes, my testimony improved, but in some other classes it was hard to decide which level of "not really" to choose. I'm amazed at how, already, the 5 classes I'm in have managed to open my eyes up to how the Gospel really does tie into everything. Let's just say I think this is going to be the best semester yet.

Our cute first day of school picture. 

Spring in Provo

It's officially been over a month since winter semester ended and everyone went their separate ways. We were as far away as California to Ohio and that's a scary difference when you're used to being about a 2 minute walk from each other. Emily and I have a new ward and new people, which isn't bad, but it's a big change to make. 


In April, I got to go back to Ohio for Rolex and just visit for a while. Riding Dreamer for a week? Happiest week of my life. She's just as great as I remember and now... I'd do just about anything to get her to Utah. That's why I'm working double shifts at the MTC to save up and ship her here. YEP. 

The best place to be.

ROLEX.

Since we've been pretty lonely around here in Provo, we've done a lot of traveling. We actually went to Boise and got to visit a friend and go to a mission farewell! It was great seeing them, especially because Emily and I are probably tired of seeing each other ALL the time. :) But after a while of being in Utah and being stuck in constant Provo traffic, it was nice to run away to Idaho for a while. 

Alex's farewell! 

The time finally came, though... and a bunch of my friends reported to the MTC. I work there and I get to see them LITERALLY every day, but it still makes me miss them. We don't get to be crazy BYU sophomores together. But I get to send lots of letters to crazy places and that in itself will be way fun! I'm pretty sure that by the time all my friends get into the MTC/on their missions I will single-handedly be keeping the postal system from going under. Yeah. But I miss them all terribly. 

Family video chats are the BEST.